Kids are like the FARC

To follow up from the Wolfpack post, Kids are like the FARC. In case you aren’t aware FARC is Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia. They are basically a Marxist group that is fighting for control of Columbia, at least they used to. They began trafficking drugs to finance their war, and they became filthy rich. At this point they are making so much money off drugs that they don’t REALLY want control of Columbia, because then they would have to fix things. It is in this sense that kids are like the FARC, they want to fight you for control, but don’t really want to be in charge. They have to much to lose by winning.

If they win and take control they have to run things. Now I know they don’t actually set up the schedules and tell you to go to work and hand you a sack lunch or your lunch money, though in some houses they do just that, they do run things by taking care of their siblings, getting their siblings ready for and to school, make sure that people have rides, make sure dinner is made and chores are done, etc. In this very real sense they run things. I have seen many homes in which children raised their siblings, and ran the household, and with this they lose the ability to become children. That is a lot to lose by winning the Alpha Wolf position.

Another thing they lose is a feeling of security. Kids need to feel like they are safe and protected, if they know someone else is in charge, they feel that sense of security. When they are in charge they don’t. This is because kids aren’t stupid, they know they don’t know what they are doing. When you let a child win, and take the Alpha position they will step up to fill the void, because the pack always needs a leader, but they will feel far more stress and anxiety than an adult will. This is because they know they aren’t ready or prepared to step up to this role that they have taken or has been thrust upon them, and the result is they lose their ability to feel secure and relax.

When kids are allowed to take leadership of the pack it has a lot of negative consequences. You see it with the kids who are raising their brothers and sisters, and who take care of themselves due to negligent parenting. These are the kids that have had to grow up to quickly. It is our job as parents to remain in the Alpha positions of the pack in order to provide our children with the sense of security they need and the ability to spend time as a child before they get thrust into adulthood.

Wolfpack

Children like to push the boundaries. Its just what they do. They do this because they are testing you to see if you are really in charge or not. As they get older this increases, but when they are little it happens as well. It is absolutely essential that you establish dominance over your child and reaffirm that you are in charge for them. This is for a couple of reasons: 1. If you don’t, God help you, you’ll have monster children and they will run roughshod over you,  and 2. Children NEED to know they aren’t in charge. Today, we will focus on the first one.

Children are  a lot like dogs in terms of how they think when they are young. They are part of the family “pack” and they want to find out what their role in the pack is. As with all social animals you do better the higher up in the pack you are. The Alpha wolf gets the best mate, the best part of the meal, the best sleeping spot, etc. The Alpha person tends to get their own way. They decide where everyone goes out to eat, what game gets played, in many cases they sit at the head of the table in the best seat, and almost always have the hottest girlfriend, etc. ++++++++++++ (My son apparently really agreed with that last part and wanted to express that) What does this mean for you as a parent, however?

It means that if you aren’t the Alpha, your child will push the boundaries until THEY are the Alpha, and just because you gave up the top position without a fight, doesn’t mean that they will. In most cases where the parent has no control over their child, the odds are they gave or the child took Alpha status from them. You see that when they fight with each other, and the Alpha of the family is apparent based on who got their way.  When you see a teenage boy fighting with his dad about something, that is, in many cases, a challenge for status, the boy is trying to move up in status, and the Father is saying, “No, I’m in charge.”

If you let your child take charge it will cause you a lot of heartache, because they will do what they want, when they want, and may or may not tell you. As children are generally less experienced in life, this can lead to them making some very bad decisions, and can set them on the road to prison, drug abuse, or a more difficult life. Thus you need to maintain your position as the Alpha wolf, and make sure that they know you are in charge. While this doesn’t mean you should browbeat them like a tyrant, it does mean you have to put your foot down and make unpopular decisions at times. The next post will explain why you being the Alpha wolf is actually GOOD for them and makes them happy.